13-Oct-07

Drained out, wrapped up in sadness, over hearing the news over and over again coming from the next room and every time feels exactly like the first time….

But I can’t…
Tears are piling up and they won’t go down…
Cry is stuck in my throat and it won’t come out…
Questions flow from my mouth but the answers doesn’t change any thing….

When it comes so suddenly so un expecting, time stands still and all what you think of in great deal diminish and get trivialized…

What I’m really sad about, what am I scared of?
For him he’s gone and for their pain there is only time to heel it…

I look into myself and my life and all what I have is a single question,
What did I give to my life, true life,
And it’s not much

I’m only mourning myself now

This had happened before…
The first time I was baffled in bewilderment but strange how my understanding of it was so shallow

And it happened again…
There more things to take from it as one life departed it somehow made me responsible to make my life worth while

And again…
This time I’m more accepting but not satisfied with myself

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“The color of her eyes has faded but the glow is still there, she is in peace with her self, كل الي ايي من الله خير, she said”
الله يرحمه
enshallah….

It’s done and when it’s time then that’s it, you can’t bring a moment or delay a moment, that’s the time that we are allowed in life….
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The day before…
I was debating with my youngest brother whether to know when you are going to die or have it happening so suddenly

My argument was: I’d rather to know so I can say my goodbye and make amends and leave this world in peace

His replay was: you should always do that as you live not knowing when you’ll die

Me saying that: I think it’s like a sign from god so you can end your life in a better way

He replays: there was two brothers the youngest walks in to the mosque and finds his brother dead while praying, and he start crying ever so bad, people come and ask him to stop crying and that he should be happy for his brother that he died in such a way, he looks at them and tells them this:
“Ever since I was born my brothers life has been sinful in a way that is beyond imagination, I don’t even remember seeing him praying, and today from all the days his life is taken as he prays to Allah, that can only be from Gods mercy”
If god wants to send you a sign it can be in many ways

After that I had no replay…

You never know when it’s time to leave this earth and there is no better saying that comes to mind other than, أعمل لدنياك كأنك ستعيش أبداَ وأعمل لآخرتك كأنك ستموت غداَ.

We think of life and give it so much forgetting that it’s only the first part of our journey the part that would determine for us the rest of the way

{ قُلْ هَلْ نُنَبِّئُكُم بِٱلأَخْسَرِينَ أَعْمَالاً }
{ ٱلَّذِينَ ضَلَّ سَعْيُهُمْ فِي ٱلْحَيَاةِ ٱلدُّنْيَا وَهُمْ يَحْسَبُونَ أَنَّهُمْ يُحْسِنُونَ صُنْعاً }